Masking: The Hidden Cost of Fitting In

There is a phenomenon in the autism community called masking. It refers to the practiced suppression of autistic traits — stimming, social directness, intense focus on specific topics, sensory reactions — in order to appear neurotypical in social and professional contexts.

Masking is not a conscious choice. It is a learned adaptation — a response to repeated messages, starting in childhood, that natural autistic behavior is wrong, disruptive, or unacceptable. And it comes at an enormous cost.

How masking is learned

Masking begins early. A child who flaps their hands when excited is told to stop. A child who asks direct, blunt questions is taught to soften them. A child who struggles with eye contact is instructed to make more of it. A child who talks at length about a single topic is redirected, repeatedly, to topics the adults around them find more appropriate.

None of these instructions come from malice. They come from a genuine desire to help the child navigate the social world. But cumulatively, they communicate a clear message: the way you naturally are is not acceptable here. You need to perform something different.

And autistic people learn to perform. Many become extremely good at it.

What masking costs

The energy required to mask — to monitor every social interaction, suppress every natural impulse, perform the expected behaviors of a neurotypical person — is substantial. Autistic people who mask consistently describe it as exhausting in ways that are hard to communicate to people who do not do it.

The result is often a pattern sometimes called autistic burnout: a period of withdrawal, significant loss of function, and exhaustion that comes from sustained masking. Burnout can last weeks, months, or longer. It often follows periods of significant social demand — school transitions, new jobs, major life events — where masking intensity increases.

Beyond burnout, masking is associated with anxiety, depression, and significant mental health difficulties. When the way you naturally exist in the world is continuously treated as wrong, it affects your relationship with yourself. Many autistic people report a profound sense of not knowing who they really are — because so much energy has gone into being someone else.

The gender dimension

Research suggests that women, girls, and gender-diverse autistic people tend to mask more, and to mask more effectively, than autistic males. This is partly the result of socialization — girls are often taught more explicitly than boys to be socially smooth and accommodating. The result is that autistic women and girls are diagnosed later, diagnosed less, and often diagnosed after years of being told their difficulties are anxiety, depression, or social awkwardness rather than autism.

The alternative

The alternative to masking is a world that does not require it. A world where stimming is acceptable. Where direct communication is valued rather than pathologized. Where special interests are respected rather than redirected. Where autistic people do not have to perform neurotypicality in order to be welcome.

That world is what WeBearish is trying to build. Not a world that accommodates autism at its edges — but a world that recognizes autistic people as full members who belong, exactly as they are.